Welcome to the Humour of the Bawdy and Naughty!
Back in the 1950s, a very sheltered man married an attractive and wholesome virgin. In short, the young couple was to pass their wedding night in nervous and tentative ignorance. In fact, the only talk about sex that the young groom ever received from his father was on the night before the wedding. “Just keep rubbing her bare tummy,” the father coached, “it gets women warmed up just right … ya know what I mean. And while you do this, make sure you keep whispering ‘I love you, I love you.’ Women need to keep hearing that during those intimate moments.”
Always respectful of his father’s advice, when the time came for the couple to consummate their union and after a mutually nervous interlude of ineffectual foreplay, the young man started rubbing his new bride’s bare tummy while softly repeating “I love you, I love you.” Not knowing what else to do, this went on and on. Finally, pushed to the limits of frustration, the young bride said sheepishly, “Ah hon, a little lower, please.” While the young man kept rubbing his wife’s tummy, he obligingly lowered his voice, repeating, “I love you, I love you.”
Girl Brings Boyfriend Home to Meet Parents
A sixteen-year-old girl brought her new boyfriend home for the first time so that her parents could meet him. The young couple joined the girl's parents for an enjoyable dinner that the mother prepared with care, and, afterwards, the four watched a family movie together. It was a cozy evening in the dead of winter. In fact, it had snowed so heavily over the past few hours that travel became impractical, if not impossible. So a call was made to the boy’s parents, wherein it was agreed that, under the circumstances, he should just spend the night there. When it came time to turn in, the father escorted the young man upstairs to the guestroom, which was directly above the master bedroom.
Later, in the middle of the night, the wife was awakened by a strange sound. Looking out the bedroom window, she was startled to the point of immediately awaking her husband. “Honey, honey,” she cried, nudging her sleepy hubby, “look, look out the window! Our guest is pissing out the window!”
“Well, he should have used the bathroom,” consented the husband, groggily, “but it’s not the end of the world. I’ll mention it to him tomorrow.”
“But wait! Oh, my word! Z-A-C-K …written in piss on the snow!” cried the wife, quite beside herself.
“Don’t worry about it;” reassured the husband, half-asleep, “lots of guys spell their name while they piss.”
“But, but, honey,” stammered the wife, “it’s written in our daughter’s handwriting!”
A Case of Abstinence
An elderly couple, a middle-aged couple, and a pair of newlyweds tried to gain membership into a very conservative and exclusive church. All three couples were gathered in the church office and were told by the good parson: “So far you have risen to every challenge for your initiation into this church. However, the most difficult remains. As a sign of your spiritual purity triumphing over the flesh, each of you must remain completely sexually abstinent for the duration of a week. Remain strong, my brethren and I’ll see you all here in my office at this time exactly one week from today.”
A week later, the three couples found themselves in front of the parson to give their report. The husband of the elderly couple spoke first: “It was a piece of cake. Besides, my wife and I aren’t spring chickens anymore, so things weren’t all that different.”
“Excellent,” replied the parson with an air of satisfaction.
The husband of the middle-aged couple was next to speak. “Although it got a little tempting for my wife and me by day six, we had no real trouble abstaining. After twenty years of marriage, it’s not like the ol’ fire is once what it was.”
“Very good,” replied the reverend, gleefully.
Finally, the young newlywed husband spoke. “Well, uh… we lasted two days. It was that darn can of paint,” muttered the young man, rather embarrassed. “Can of paint?” inquired the preacher with evident distain. “Yes, well you see,” continued the young man, “my bride and I decided to repaint the bedrooms of our new house, so we went out to get the necessary supplies. Well, I guess my wife shouldn’t have put on that cute, short summer skirt...’cause when she bent down to pick up that can of paint, I knew that I had to have her!”
“Indeed!” snapped the parson. “Well, it’s obvious that neither of you will be an appropriate fit for our spiritual congregation. In fact, I’m going to have to ask you both to leave.”
“Well, that’s okay,” casually replied the young man, “we’re no longer welcome at Home Depot either.”
Morning Quickie Before Work
A busy attorney with a very successful practice fell into the habit of taking his wife for granted shortly after the honeymoon was over. After a spousal morning quickie during which his mind was more on his growing caseload than anything else, he sensed his wife’s dissatisfaction as he glanced at her while putting on his gold cuff clinks. Circumventing a discussion, the attorney said to his wife, “Babe, you need to let me know when you’re getting ready to cum.” Raising an eyebrow in surprise, the young wife replied dryly, “Honey, you know you hate it when I call you at work.”
Boy in the Closet
A lovely young woman in bed with her lover is startled by the sounds of her husband coming home from work unexpectedly early. So, in a panic, the frantic woman quickly thrusts her lover into the bedroom closet along with his clothes, bidding him to remain there until the opportune moment to make his escape. Suddenly, the woman's lover is surpised by the voice of a young child who exclaims "It sure is dark in here."
"Shhh, Quiet!" snaps the nonplussed lover.
To whom the boy returns, "Hey mister, give me twenty dollars or I'll scream!"
"Shut up kid!" retorts the young man angrily.
"Okay, you ask for it," responds the young boy as he takes a deep breath.
"Okay, kid, okay, you win," whispers the young lover in deparation, as he fishes in his wallet and hands the kid a twenty.
Two weeks later, the grandmother of the child comes over to babysit and can't help but notice how many new toys and how much candy the child has. In response to her inquiry, the young boy informs his grandma that he bought the stuff with his own money. Surprised, the grandmother asks how he obtain this recent bounty, to which the child adamently refused to respond. So the kid is angrily whisked off to confession. Placed inside the small confines of the confessional, the kid cries out, "It sure is dark in here." And from the other side of the curtain, a voice replies:
"Gee kid, are ya gonna start that shit again!"
A pretty, young fourth grade teacher in her first year of teaching, could not help but take notice of a intellectually precious pupil in her class. Intrigued by the young man's obvious potential, the teacher retained him from recess briefly to test his mental acumen. "Robby," said the teacher, "if there are ten birds on a telephone line and someone shoots one of them down, then how many are left?" After a brief moment of reflection, the kid responded, matter-of-factly, "Why none, hearing the shot, the other nine birds would fly off."
" I like the way you think!" replied the young teacher, visibly impressed.
"Okay, now I've got a question for you," returned the young man with a wry smile. "There are three women walking down the street, each with an ice cream cone. One woman is nibbling on it, the other is licking it, and the third is sucking hers whole. Which one is married?"
"Why I suppose it's the one that's sucking hers whole," replied the young teacher, a little puzzled.
"No, it's the one wearing the wedding ring," replied the boy with demure smile, "but I like the way you think!"