Welcome to our potpourri of animal, gross, and miscellaneous jokes!
A penniless alchoholic walks into a brothel with a wild and desperate look in his eye. He approaches the madam and states:"Mam, I haven't had a woman in over five years, my liver's shot, and I really don't know how much time I have left. If I don't get some good tail right here and now, I think I'll go crazy. I don't have any money, but I'll tell ya what I'll bet ya a freebie and a pint of whiskey that I can tell how many johns any one of yer gals have had just by spending less than a minute in one of their rooms. If I'm right, you hep me out, if not, then I'll disappear and never come back. Deal?"
Fortunately, for the desperate bum, the madam had quite an open-minded and betting spirit. "You're on!" she replied enthusiastically. "You can go up to Sadie's room, just upstairs, second door on the left --but be brief," she continued. She chucked as the strangely pathetic man bounded up the stairs, for she knew that Sadie was outside on a smoke break, that she kept no visible records lying around, and that all of her girls were tight-lipped, especially regarding another girl's affairs.
Within a minute, the strange guest returned and stated with triumphant assurance, "Thirteen, Sadie had thirteen customers so far today."
The madam raised her eyebrows in surprise because that figure seemed about right, so she promptly checked her register, and sure enough, Sadie had had exactly thirteen customers! Honoring the agreement, the madam supplied the man with a pint of whiskey and arranged to have Sadie service him at the house's expense.
Having had his pleasure with Sadie, the man came down a half hour later, visibly satisfied and happy, a half-consumed pint of whiskey in his hand. As he was making his way for the door, the madam stopped him and said, "Whoa, hey, listen, before you go: How on earth did you know that Sadie had exactly thirteen customers?"
"Ah, it was easy," replied the man, "I drank her douche depository and counted thirteen lumps."
A guy brings his pet monkey into a bar and as soon as his back is turned the simian is out of control. The chimp jumps on the bar and starts grabbing everything it can and swallowing it whole: lemon wedges, peanuts, crackers, etc. Finally, it jumps on the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole. The disgruntled bartender nudges the owner and relates to him the chimps uncouth behavior. The owner of the chimp promptly apologizes for his chimp, pays his bar tab, including restitution for the cue ball, then leaves with his annoying pet.
Two weeks later this same patron returns with his pet chimp. Once again, as soon as his back is turned, the chimp misbehaves. This time, the hirsute creature springs towards the maraschino cherries, takes one and sticks it up his ass, then swallows it whole. The bartender observing this revolting scene, again gets the attention of the chimp's owner and says in a tone of utter disgust, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No what," returns the patron. "He just stuck a maraschino cheery up his ass, then swallowed it whole --how disgusting!" continued the bartender. "Oh yeah," returned the chimp's owner nonchalantly, " he still swallows everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
An alligator slithers into a bar and tries to order a drink. The bartender replies dryly, "Sorry sir, but we don't serve alligators here." Well, this gator won't take "no" for an answer, so it pounds it's front paw firmly on the counter and snaps, "I wanna drink!" The bartender simply shakes his head and replies, "Sorry we don't serve alligators." Noticing a barfly of a broad slumped over her cocktail at the other end of the bar, the gator threatens, "Listen, you see that broad over there in the corner ...well, if you don't serve me my drink right now, I'm gonna grab her and eat her!" "I wouldn't do that if I were you," returns the bartender nonchalantly. "All right, have it your way," snarls the alligator as he leaps over to the woman. Quickly, he knocks the poor lady to the floor and within seconds she is lying, ripped to pieces, in a large pool of blood. Satisfied that this dire action would result in a drink, the gator slithers back over to his seat, but as he addresses the bartender, he can't stop yawning. Feeling his eyelids getting extremely heavy, the puzzled reptile inquires, "Hey, what the hell is going on? Why am I suddenly getting so sl-e-e-e-py?" "I warned you," replied the bartender, "That was the bar-bitch-u-ate."
Huevos de toro
An American tourist, visiting Spain for the first time, decides to try the local cuisine at a charming restaurant he chances upon. Just as the waiter hands him a menu, the tourist notices a man at a nearby table with a serving of what appears to be two large meatballs. “What that man is having looks interesting,” he remarks to the waiter. "Ah, si señor," replies the waiter, "that is the Speciality of the House, Huevos de toro, bull's balls."
"Bull's balls! Is that so ...hmmmm, well, I'll have an order of that, please," said the tourist with an air of decisive satisfaction.
"Oh, so sorry, señor," replies the waiter, "that particular dish must be ordered 24 hours in advance."
"Really," replies the American tourist incredulously, "well I'll just place my order now and come back tomorrow."
The tourist returns the next day with hungry anticipation. The waiter proudly produces the Speciality of the House. However, with evident dissatisfaction, the tourist takes immediate note that the size of his meatballs are substantially smaller than that which he witnessed yesterday. The tourist having inquired with due solemnity as to the reason for such reduced portions, the waiter responded:
"Ah well, you see señor, sometimes ze bull wins."
Santa and His Reindeers
Santa was delivering his presents one fine Christmas eve, all cozily bundled up in his sleigh, when suddenly his train of trusty reindeers made a sharp and unexpected turn, causing poor Santa to be thrown from his airy perch. With a calamitous thud, Santa came crashing down through an outhouse and found himself covered from head to toe in odious and foul-reeking excrement. Although the soft dung broke his fall, Santa was none too pleased. Angrily, he burst out of the shattered outhouse and shaking his fists in the air, he cried out to his bewildered team of reindeer, "You idiots! I said, the Schmidt house!"